


Dear Hogwarts

by unrealitycheck



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Hogwarts Letters, Humor, Obsessive Behavior, Parody, Song Parody, Stan - Eminem (Song) - Freeform, When all you want is your Hogwarts letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28365717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unrealitycheck/pseuds/unrealitycheck
Summary: A young boy keeps writing to Hogwarts, but gets no reply. How long can this last before things start to go awry? Does this sound familiar? You guessed it, man. It’s a Harry Potter parody of Eminem’s “Stan.”Dear Hogwarts,My eleventh birthday was pretty cool,But I still haven’t been invited to your magic schoolBeen waiting for your letter these last couple monthsBut you haven’t written to me yet—not onceWhat about my twin? I know you didn’t miss herYou wrote to her, my brother, and my older sister...
Kudos: 2





	Dear Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> This, of course, is my own version of the amazing song “Stan” by Eminem. Since the Stan character’s last name is Mitchell, I decided to name my own character “Mitch.” I thought it fit better with the rhymes I came up with. So here we go. Enjoy!

_September first, the train arrives to pick up all the magic kids  
_ _They're heading off to that big castle  
_ _To learn some magic tricks  
_ _All the boys and girls with their big spell books  
_ _And their nifty magic wands  
_ _Will have a fine time off at Hogwarts School  
_ _At Hogwarts School_

**May 16th**

Dear Hogwarts,  
My eleventh birthday was pretty cool,  
But I still haven't been invited to your magic school  
Been waiting for your letter these last couple months  
But you haven't written to me yet—not once  
What about my twin? I know you didn't miss her  
You wrote to her, my brother, and my older sister  
I know you got lots of kids on your list to get through  
And damn, owl post must be a real bitch to handle, too  
Anyway, how's the Sorting Hat? I wonder where he'll send me  
If he lands my ass in Hufflepuff, he'll wish he never met me  
That's a joke, of course; I don't want to get detention  
But I might start going crazy if I don't get your attention  
Just in case you forgot it, here's my address again  
I wrote it in pen this time, the darkest I could get  
I'm hoping to hear from you by June  
So write me soon and grant my wish,  
Best regards, your future student Mitch

_September first, the train arrives to pick up all the magic kids  
_ _They're heading off to that big castle  
_ _To learn some magic tricks  
_ _All the boys and girls with their big spell books  
_ _And their nifty magic wands  
_ _Will have a fine time off at Hogwarts School  
_ _At Hogwarts School_

**July 2nd**

Dear Hogwarts,  
Every day September's growing near  
And guess what? I'm still at home sitting here  
Waiting for my letter to come in the mail  
I knew owl post was wack; sooner or later, that shit's bound to fail  
Or maybe I'm just not good enough to join your fancy school  
You took my sisters and my brother, but I guess you think _I'm_ a fool  
That really hurts, man  
Do you have any idea how I feel?  
It's my dream to be a wizard and cast magic spells for real  
That shit's important for kids like me, we've got to dream big  
All the bitches who ever bullied me? I'd turn 'em into pigs  
Casting spells and enchantments, that's all I want to do  
And I _could_ , if that acceptance letter would come through  
My whole life, I've been waiting to step inside your halls  
I've even got the school crest plastered on my walls  
You've got to take me, Hogwarts!  
I'll do good in every class  
I'll behave so well, you'll _never_ have to punish my ass  
I don't even care what house I'm in  
Throw my bitch ass in Hufflepuff or even Slytherin  
Anyway, this is Mitch, you better write me soon  
  
P.S. Both my parents went to Hogwarts too

_September first, the train arrives to pick up all the magic kids  
_ _They're heading off to that big castle  
_ _To learn some magic tricks  
_ _All the boys and girls with their big spell books  
_ _And their nifty magic wands  
_ _Will have a fine time off at Hogwarts School  
_ _At Hogwarts School_

**September 1st**

All right, McGonagall and Dumbledore—  
Or should I say Dumble- _dork_?  
This is my last fucking letter! I'm not writing any more!  
All I wanted was to go to school to learn some magic spells  
But instead I'm stuck with Muggle school— _my_ idea of hell  
I thought for sure this would be the year I'd hear from you and get my letter  
But I haven't seen any sign of an owl, not even one lousy feather  
You could have at least told me I couldn't come to your stupid school!  
Well guess what? I've gone and borrowed my brother's broom  
He said, "Go ahead, kid. You know I don't mind."  
Hey, I drank a barrel of butterbeer  
Dare me to fly?  
I really _wanted_ to go to Hogwarts!  
I could have been the best student you'd ever seen!  
But you never gave me a chance to even try to fulfill my dream  
Good thing I never got my wand, else I'd shove it up your ass  
Bet they don't teach _that_ in any special magic class  
I'm recording this on tape, by the way, like some dumb Muggle bitch  
And in case you've forgotten  
It's me—your would-be student Mitch  
By the time you get this tape  
It'll be too late—your mistake  
You think a kid like me can fly a broomstick?  
All that butterbeer, I can barely see straight  
Thanks a lot, Hogwarts, for not sending me my letter  
I could have been the next Dumbledore, maybe even better  
Every September first, I hope you jerkoffs think of me  
And choke on your own guilt because—  
Oh shit, there's the tree!

_September first, the train arrives to pick up all the magic kids  
_ _They're heading off to that big castle  
_ _To learn some magic tricks  
_ _All the boys and girls with their big spell books  
_ _And their nifty magic wands  
_ _Will have a fine time off at Hogwarts School  
_ _At Hogwarts School_

**September 6th**

Dear Mitch,  
I finally took the time to read your letters down in the kitchen  
I've had a lot of duties, but sometimes even headmasters have to ditch 'em  
So picture this: imagine my surprise  
When I opened these letters and started to realize  
Yes, you're right, Mitch, someone made a big mistake  
But you've got to understand, boy, your genes are to blame  
I hate to tell you this, but Mitch, you're a Squib  
Your parents are a witch and wizard, sure  
But _you_ don't have magic; you never will and never did  
That's why you never got invited to this school  
We don't teach Squibs here  
I'm sorry, but that's the rule  
Just do me one favor, don't take this personally  
I'm afraid you'll do something crazy, like that boy who flew into a tree  
It was in the _Daily Prophet_ just the other morning  
The kid drank too much butterbeer, then flew outside while it was pouring  
He took his brother's broom and got a tape recorder ready  
Went out to fly in the evening after eating his mom's spaghetti  
He was found on a smashed broomstick, face-down in a nearby ditch  
Had the Hogwarts crest on all his clothes  
Come to think of it—  
His name was Mitch.

Damn.

**Author's Note:**

> This parody was inspired by two Youtube videos. The first is the [Epic Rap Battles of History](https://youtu.be/Ver1OZdK2bA) between Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker, which put Harry Potter and rap into my brain. And the second is this [absolutely brilliant parody](https://youtu.be/1OJ7aW3Df5U) that SNL did of Eminem’s “Stan.” After watching the SNL parody several times, I couldn’t get the original “Stan” (which I love!) out of my head, so eventually all of these things started to blend together in my brain. And next thing I knew, I was scribbling these lyrics. Thanks, Youtube.


End file.
